


Playing House

by SqutternutBosh



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Big Finish Audio: Serenity, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-23
Updated: 2020-04-09
Packaged: 2020-07-12 06:27:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19941703
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SqutternutBosh/pseuds/SqutternutBosh
Summary: Filling in a few of the gaps in James Moran's hilarious Torchwood audio drama, Serenity. How did Jack and Ianto come to be on the case, living together in Serenity Plaza? How did they blend in with the neighbours as Ken and Ifan? What did the rest of the team make of it all?





	1. The Signal

**Author's Note:**

> Am I in their first with a Serenity fic?! It's hilarious, so listen if you get the chance! There will be spoilers for Serenity in this, but I think it should be understood well enough without needing to hear it. This multi-chaptered piece explores some of the missing moments from the audio drama. There's no real reference given in Serenity as to when it's set, but I've decided Jack and Ianto had this little adventure between Adrift and Fragments.

‘Jack,’ Tosh’s voice rings out across the Hub, breaking Jack’s concentration. He hates trying to do budget reports anyway, and he’s sure if Tosh is urgent enough to shout rather than get up, then it must be far more interesting than paperwork.

He gets up, pen still in hand, and wanders over to his doorway.

‘What is it, Tosh?’ he asks. Tosh adjusts her glasses as she looks up at him.

‘Can you come and take a look at this please? If I’m right, looks like something pretty big.’

Jack strolls over and stands behind Tosh, arms folded. Gwen rolls over on her chair, interest clearly piqued.

Tosh taps her main display with a finger, drawing their attention to some moving images of wavelengths. They ripple inconspicuously, but clearly there’s more to it that Jack just can’t see yet.

‘I was running a few tests,’ Tosh says, ‘checking out some of the more unusual frequencies that we can pick up with our adapted alien tech. And I got a hit, something pinging back on one of the wavelengths we’ve been monitoring just in case it ever goes live – Cell 114.’

‘Ah,’ Jack says, tapping his pen against his bottom lip. ‘This could be very _not_ good. Can you trace it?’

‘Yes, done that. It’s coming from somewhere in Serenity Plaza.’

‘Serenity Plaza? What’s that, some new shopping centre?’

‘Ohhhh, I’ve heard of that place,’ Gwen chimes in. ‘It’s a posh new housing estate, very middle class. Rhys was banging on about it, saying we should look at the houses there. I had a look at the website – weirded me out a bit, too Stepford for my liking.’

Tosh brings the website up to show Jack. A series of identical, detached houses slide through the web banner, plastered with phrases such as ‘Cardiff’s #1 new development’, ‘Wonderful community,’ and ‘Could you be the next winner of our Best Kept Lawn competition? Move in and find out!’

‘Cute,’ Jack says. ‘Very twenty-first century suburban.’

‘And it could be hiding something deadly,’ Tosh reminds him.

‘Good point, Tosh. Can you take Owen with you, get some scans? See if you can pinpoint the source of the signal and what it might be doing. And try not to arouse any suspicion - even if the sleeper agents don’t even know they’re sleepers yet, I bet it’s a real curtain-twitching kinda neighbourhood.’

‘You could pretend to be shopping for a house, they’ve got one or two on the market it seems,’ Gwen says, pointing out the ‘For sale’ banner on the website.

‘Playing house with Owen, now there’s a scary thought,’ Jack winks at them both, before bellowing down at the Med Bay. ‘Owen, get over here, you and Tosh are about to get on the property ladder.’

…*…

Three hours later, the Hub doors flash as Tosh and Owen return from their shopping trip. Owen immediately flops down on the sofa as if the whole experience was very draining on his undead body. Jack admires his commitment to still being so very _Owen_ despite everything. Tosh returns to her desk and sets her scanners down.

Jack knows Ianto is a step behind him as they leave his office, where they’d been eating some lunch and going over the budget sheets. Gwen looks away from her own screen and twists her chair round, All together, they form a loose circle and Jack is pleased with how his team can come together with little input from him. They’ve been a team long enough now that they know when they’re needed.

‘What’ve you got for us then?’ he asks.

‘Well, I can tell you that if there is an alien hiding in there somewhere, they’re doing a damn good job of blending in with the suburban middle classes. Everyone there was so friendly and cheerful,’ Owen says with a theatrical shiver. ‘It’s not natural. In fact, they’re probably all aliens with smiles like that.’

‘Thank you for your helpful insight, Owen,’ Jack says with a shake of his head. ‘Toshiko, what about you? I take it you were doing most of the useful work.’

‘The signal is definitely coming from within the estate, no doubt about it. I can’t get a proper trace on where exactly though, so that doesn’t give us much of an idea as to who could be behind it.’

Jack ponders for a moment, feeling all their eyes on him. He knows they’d all have their own ideas as to how to deal with this situation.

‘Sounds like we need more reconnaissance,’ he says after a moment. ‘I don’t want to ignore this now we know Cell 114 is active in some way, we can’t just sit back and wait for them to come out into the open, you know how that’ll go.’

‘The house we looked at was very nice,’ Tosh says brightly. ‘All mod cons, lots of natural light, lovely garden.’

‘And the neighbours could be aliens,’ Owen points out.

‘Something the estate agents could sell as a unique, original feature,’ Ianto says. Jack gives him a look, remembering his estate agent titbit about the pronunciation of Splott – did he really keep that much of an eye on the Cardiff property market?

‘Alien neighbours are less uncommon than people realise, we’ve settled enough of them to know that,’ Jack says.

‘And it’s affected property value less than you might think,’ Ianto comments.

Ignoring this, Jack tries to refocus the conversation on the case at hand and not let Ianto distract him with his little quips. He knows the man will just keep rolling them out if Jack indulges him.

‘Right, so if I’m understand what you’re getting at here, Tosh, you think we should buy the house and set up shop there? Gather some more intel, keep an eye on the situation in case it suddenly starts to head south?’

Tosh nods. ‘We can get some better reads if a member of the team is able to gain more access to the houses, and they’d be able to monitor the behaviour of the people who live there too, see if anything sticks out.’

Jack rubs his chin thoughtfully, the beginnings of a plan coming together in his mind.

‘Ideally we want two of us there, for support and back-up,’ he says.

‘A couple would likely be a better cover too, given the area. It’s not really somewhere you’ll see a single person, it’s all young marrieds and people with kids.’

‘There was that creepy old lady too, Tosh, don’t forget her,’ Owen says. ‘ _Vanessa_. She was making eyes at me the moment I stepped out of the car.’

‘Good to know you’ve got a way with the older ladies, Owen,’ Ianto says with a smirk.

‘Oh, she’d _love_ you, Ianto. A young guy in a proper three piece suit? I bet that’s right up her street.’

Ianto looks mildly horrified, but Jack silently agrees with Owen. He also knows that Ianto’s well aware of the polite young gentleman act he likes to give old ladies when he needs to Retcon them.

‘So, who’s going to go in then?’ Gwen asks. ‘I could always see if Rhys-,’

‘No,’ Jack says firmly. ‘As much as I’m sure he’d blend in perfectly, and you two could do the whole just married spiel, there’s no way I’m getting a civilian involved in a case like this, there’s too much at stake.’

‘I’m not bloody going back there, if that’s what you’re thinking, Harkness,’ Owen says. ‘I know me and Tosh looked at that house earlier, but honestly, I’m not convinced the lady from the sales team thought we were a couple.’

‘We tried to come up with a bit of a cover story on the spot,’ Tosh tells them, ‘to seem convincing. I don’t think she bought Owen’s elaborate proposal story given the location changed several times in the telling. Not to mention the lack of a ring on my finger.’

‘Oh, but it was a beautiful ring the way I described it, Tosh, wasn’t it? Like the Koh-I-Noor.’

‘Yeah, sounds real convincing,’ Jack remarks. ‘I don’t think you two could pull it off convincingly, sorry, and it sounds like the place would give Owen a breakdown. I actually have another idea… Ianto, a word in my office, please?’

Jack closes the door behind them both, knowing the others are watching curiously.

‘You know what I’m thinking?’ Jack says.

Ianto leans against Jack’s desk. He’s letting lose by his standards today, his pale blue shirtsleeves rolled up above his elbows, light grey waistcoat hanging open. It’s hot out above ground in the Bay, and Ianto had not long gone out to fetch lunch for them all. His hair has grown a bit longer on top than usual – he runs his hands through it now and upsets the careful styling slightly, leaving it ruffled.

‘I have some idea and I can’t say that it doesn’t concern me, Jack.’

Jack takes a step closer, but not too close as this is, after all, a work matter. He knows the others can still see them through his windows too as the blinds are open.

‘Come on, it’ll be fun. Me and you are perfect for this job.’

‘You really think you could handle doing the whole living together, full on couple type thing?’

Jack shrugs, hoping it doesn’t come off as too dismissive. He just doesn’t want to make this a bigger deal than it needs to be. ‘I’ve done it before.’

‘I haven’t,’ Ianto is quick to retort. Jack hadn’t really thought of that. Steps like this mean something in this time and place.

‘It’s not like we don’t already spend most of our time here together, or at yours together, or chasing weevils together… Would it really be that different?’

Ianto fiddles with his shirtsleeves. ‘When you put it like that, no, not really. But this would be really outside of our little Torchwood bubble, Jack. It’d be very boring and normal.’

‘But there will also still be aliens.’

‘I suppose they do tend to come looking for us.’ Ianto sighs. ‘I don’t know, Jack.’

‘Call it a sort of test run. Maybe sharing a house with… someone… is something you want to do one day, maybe it’s not. And I’m not just suggesting this because it could give us some time together outside of work to do… whatever. I’m suggesting it because I think you’re the right man for the job, because I know you can put on a persona, blend in, and charm some information out of people. Owen could absolutely not do that with this sort of people, but you can. And it’s absolutely something in my skillset.’

Jack feels the gap where Ianto would usually make some sort of joke about Jack’s ego. He closes the gap between them and runs a hand down Ianto’s arm. Ianto is making an intense study of his own shoes.

‘If it’s too much, or you’re not comfortable with it, we don’t have to. But you know me and you make a great team. I wouldn’t want to have to pretend with one of the others when we could be out there living some sort of real lives ourselves.’

Ianto finally looks up at Jack.

‘Alright, fine. It does make sense, I guess. We’re, y’know… us, after all. And I could do with a break from the Hub, give this real life thing a go.’

‘Perfect!’ Jack smiles and claps his hands together. He strides across his office and throws the door open.

‘We’ll do it,’ he announces to the others. ‘Tosh, can you see about buying us that house please?’


	2. Moving Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Team Torchwood help Jack and Ianto move into Ken and Ifan's new home. Ianto makes some decisions as to how he's going to play Ifan and is pleased with the results.

Ianto is surprised at how quickly it all moves from the moment he agrees to take part, mostly because this plan involves buying a house, but Tosh has got that sorted by later that afternoon. No money actually changes hands, but with a bit of computer trickery, Tosh manages to make it look like Jack and Ianto have paid exactly the asking price for the property. Jack did suggest that could just actually buy it, that maybe it’d be a good investment, but Ianto reminded him that they weren’t intending to keep it long enough for it to gain any value.

‘Besides,’ Ianto had told him, ‘now’s not a good time to buy, the housing bubble’s burst.’

Jack had given him a confused look and questioned why he seemed to know so much about property, at which point Ianto reminded him it wasn’t property he knew about, it was just that he made a point to keep up with the news and goings on in the outside world.

Tosh and Gwen helped them come up with their cover stories. They needed to come up with names pretty quick so Tosh could sort out the fake mortgage and deeds to the home. Ianto picked Ifan because, as a variant of Ianto, it seemed easy and close enough to his own name that he might remember to respond to it. Jack, looking somewhat pleased with himself, announced that he would be Ken; Ianto made a mental note to look into that later, Jack was looking far too smug to have chosen it at random. As they were supposed to be married, there was a bit of a tiff over surname issues and whether they’d pick something double-barrelled, and what those names should be, and whose name would go first, but Ianto’s logical approach triumphed in the end. In Wales, after all, Jones was as much as a disguise as any fake name. Ianto was secretly pleased to have won that one.

He was, on the other hand, slightly disturbed by Tosh’s photoshopped wedding photos, featuring himself and Jack smiling in matching tuxedos. Whatever it was he and Jack had, that was not a route he saw them ever going down, and he wasn’t sure where Tosh had managed to dig up the images of their faces in the first place. Something in the Hub’s camera system, no doubt.

Within a week, they were set to go. Luckily, the Rift seemed to be behaving, so Owen, Gwen and Tosh would manage, with Jack dropping in as if the Hub were his 9 – 5 at the department store as per his cover story. Ianto had been dealt the delightful role of house husband to enable him to sneak around and get to know the locals whilst Jack was out with the team.

The rented moving van was in the Hub garage, full of furniture and things from Ianto’s own flat. Jack really didn’t have much to add except for clothes, which Ianto was still waiting for him to pack.

He paced the Hub, suddenly feeling very nervous about what he was letting himself in for. The aliens, sure, he’d deal with that, but living with Jack and pretending they were all lovey-dovey and suburban? That was a bigger ask.

He’d foregone his usual suit for this venture, instead picking out a simple coral-coloured button down and some jeans. Gwen had given him a bit of a double-take when he’d arrived that morning and Ianto had mumbled something about needing to look the part. Gwen had patted him sympathetically on the shoulder and told him he’d fit right in.

That double-take, however, was nothing compared to the one Ianto finds himself giving Jack as he finally appears out of his bunker. He carries an old-fashioned, buckled suitcase under one arm and a military-issue duffle in his other hand. And, for some reason Ianto can’t fathom, he sports a Hawaiian shirt.

Jack grins, knowing he’s got his attention.

‘What? I always thought they were fun,’ he says. He sets his bags down by Tosh’s desk.

‘You’re, uh, really embracing the role then?’ Ianto says.

‘Why not? It might help us get the job done.’

‘It’s going to make us stick out, that’s what it is.’

‘We’re the new guys in town, we’re going to be drawing their attention anyway. I bet there’s all sorts of gossip about who’s moving in.’

‘And now they’ll be gossiping even more…’ Ianto mutters. He’s partly annoyed at Jack’s lack of taste, but also a bit annoyed that he’s somehow pulling it off. Damn that man.

Jack waggles his eyebrows at him.

‘I think you like it,’ he says.

‘I think you better have some less “look at me” clothes in those bags or _someone_ ’s going on another shopping trip.’

‘Oh, I don’t know, I’d maybe hope my husband could pick something up for me while I was busy at work.’

The word husband causes a funny lurch in Ianto’s stomach, but he pushes it aside. This is what he’s in for now, might as well play along.

‘Only if you’ll give me a little bit of extra spending money so I can myself something while I’m out. Something pretty.’

Owen appears at the top of the Med Bay, slipping the glove back onto on his broken hand. He’d been down there reapplying his stitches.

‘If you two are done practicing being old marrieds, I thought we were supposed to be helping you move?’

‘We’re good to go, I think,’ Jack says. ‘Ianto, you ready?’

‘All my stuff’s already in the van. The lady from the sales team is meant to meet us at the house with the keys in half an hour.’

‘We better not keep her waiting then, wouldn’t want to make a bad impression on the neighbours,’ Jack says, picking his bags up and heading towards the door. ‘Moving team, let’s go!’

‘Wait wait wait!’ Gwen says. She’s searching through the clutter on her desk.

‘Oh, I nearly forgot!’ Tosh says, ‘Yes, they definitely need those.’

‘A-ha!’ Gwen says, as she lifts a stack of papers to reveal a small, grey box. She lifts the top to reveal two simple platinum rings. ‘Argos’s finest. Me and Tosh got them for you to add the final touch to your cover identities.’

Gwen offers the box towards them. Ianto looks at the rings, one slightly bigger than the other.

‘I managed to measure your ring sizes using data from the Hub cameras,’ Tosh tells them. ‘They should fit just right.’

Ianto lifts the slightly smaller one out of the box and slips it on. It’s cool and snug, and not at all like the moment he’d once envisioned slipping one of these on for the first time.

‘Uh, aren’t you supposed to let Jack do that?’ Gwen asks, tongue poking out between her teeth, teasing. Ianto gives her the mightiest glare he can bring forth.

‘Too late,’ he says. ‘And speaking of late - come on, Jack, let’s go.’

Without a backwards glance, Ianto heads for the door, trying desperately to stop the tips of his ears from burning red and to not feel the circle of metal pressing fresh and new against his skin.

…*…

As they’d guessed, their presence on the estate did gain the attention of the neighbours. At first, those who passed by the moving van gave them a little smile or nod, but eventually some started to come over and introduce themselves.

As he carries the dining room table through the front door with Owen, Ianto notices Jack leaning over the front gate, talking to a couple, early thirties, smiling and clearly nosey. Owen is bitching about furniture delivery not being part of his job description, so Ianto shoves the table back, nudging it hard into Owen’s chest.

‘Keep your voice down about work,’ he tells him. ‘We’ve got locals right on our doorstep so we need to play the part.’

‘Alright, alright,’ Owen grumbles. ‘Try not to break any of my ribs though, eh?’

They set the table down in the dining room. Ianto doesn’t have a proper dining room in his flat, so his small table looks out of place in this space. He wonders if he can talk Jack into requisitioning a few new items, all for the purposes of the investigation, of course…

Outside, Jack is still chatting to the nosey neighbours.

‘Ah, here he is!’ he says, beaming, throwing an arm out. Not fully sure where this is going, Ianto walks over, gearing himself up mentally to throw himself into character. Jack wraps the arm around Ianto and pulls him into his side. ‘Bob, Mary, this is my husband, Ifan.’

Oh god, thinks Ianto, he’s butchered that pronunciation. And not in the sexy, drawling way he gets away with when he says Ianto.

‘Hello!’ Ianto greets enthusiastically, deciding in the moment that he’s really going to ham it up. It’s partly for his own amusement, but also to see what reaction he can get out of Jack. ‘It’s _so_ nice to have neighbours who come round and introduce themselves. It wasn’t like that in our last place, was it, Ken?’

Ianto had seen the brief flicker of bewilderment pass over Jack’s face as the exaggerated Welsh accent came out of Ianto’s mouth, and he’d enjoyed it. If Jack was allowed to disconcert him with this whole charade, then Ianto was certainly going to give as good as he got.

‘That’s so true, Ifan,’ Jack says, giving Ianto a squeeze. ‘One of the reasons we moved here actually. Such a _wonderful_ sense of community.’

‘It really is lovely,’ Mary says. ‘We love it, don’t we, Bob?’

‘Has anybody told you about the weekly barbecues yet? Or the Best Kept Lawn competition?’ Bob asks.

‘That charming young sales lady gave us a little calendar of events, didn’t she, Ifan?’

It was true, the sales lady really had had such a thing prepared for them, like nothing Ianto had ever seen when moving house before – other than the one he’d been given during Fresher’s Week at uni, and that was really quite different. The Serenity Plaza calendar of events didn’t feature a weekly foam party.

‘I’ve pinned it up on the fridge so we won’t miss a thing,’ Ianto says, thinking about how much his cheeks already hurt from all this forced smiling.

‘Terrific!’ says Mary. ‘We can’t wait to see you both there and get to know you better.’

‘Neither can we!’ Jack says, with a laugh and a flash of his pearly whites. Here comes the Harkness charm offense… ‘We’d just love to get to know you all better.’

Mary positively bursts with joy at all this direct attention from Jack and Ianto has to fight not to roll his eyes as it’s not exactly in-keeping with his Ifan persona. And it might upset the neighbours.

Behind him, Ianto hears the others crunching down the garden path.

‘So nice of your friends to come and help you move,’ Bob says, taking them all in. ‘I feel like maybe we saw you two here before,’ he nods towards Owen and Tosh. ‘Not that we were stalking you or anything!’ He laughs and everyone joins in, playing along.

‘We came to take a look at the place for Ken and Ifan,’ Tosh says, already prepared for the question. It’s part of their cover story and they’ve already run through it once today. ‘They were over in the States seeing Ken’s family when this place came up for sale, and they didn’t want to miss out. Houses round here go so fast!’

‘We’d been waiting for one to come up, and we’re so lucky to have such great friends who’d take time out and check the place out for us. We put an offer in later that day,’ Jack says smoothly.

‘How kind of you both,’ Mary says, leaving the sentence hanging as she clearly waits for Tosh and Owen to introduce themselves.

‘Brad Clooney,’ Owen says, reaching over the fence to shake their hands. ‘I’m a neurosurgeon down at the Heath.’

‘Doctor Miku Watanabe,’ Tosh says.

‘And I’m Julia Roberts,’ Gwen says. Ianto’s amazed they’re all manging to hide their smirks, which is fine for them, they’ll all get to walk away from this horrible conversation never to see these people again, but Ianto’s going to have to try and befriend them.

Bob and Mary frown.

‘Julia Roberts?’ Mary says.

‘Oh, you know how it is,’ Gwen says, deciding to join Ianto in really leaning into her accent. ‘Roberts is just one of those common as muck Welsh surnames, you know, and my parents thought Julia was such a lovely, sophisticated name. Then, what do you know, when I’m 12, suddenly there she is, this Hollywood Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. I thought it was very exciting, like seeing my own name up there in lights.’

‘And Brad… Clooney…’ Bob says.

Jack laughs with such force that Ianto knows they’re all going to get a school teacher style telling off as soon as the front door closes. ‘Funny old world, isn’t it? Anyway, we better be getting back on with this whole moving business, lots to do, see you later!’

Jack turns, steering Ianto with him, face like thunder as he ushers them all back up the garden path. He manages to not slam the front door to keep up appearances for the neighbours. He watches through the peep hole as Mary and Bob walk away, before wheeling round.

‘What the hell was that?!’

‘I think it was all very natural and believable,’ Owen says, wandering down the hallway towards the kitchen. ‘Plenty of little coincidences like that in the world, lends a real touch of authenticity.’

‘Names aside, I see you gave yourself a promotion,’ Jack calls after his back. Owen has started rummaging through a box on the counter, which Ianto isn’t best pleased by as it is his stuff and he’d rather Owen not break anything.

‘What?’ laughs Owen. ‘I’m not the only one, Tosh is a doctor now apparently.’

‘I could have a PhD if I wanted, I just don’t have the time,’ Tosh says casually. She follows after Owen, Gwen in tow.

‘Ianto, is it alright if I put the kettle on? I unpacked it earlier,’ Gwen says, to which Ianto nods. It is very weird watching them all using his stuff, in what’s effectively going to be his house, it’s all far too domestic compared to their usual interactions in the Hub. He knows though, that this is only going to be the beginning of the weirdness, so he might as well roll with it.

Jack rounds on him now.

‘And you, what the hell was that?’ he demands again.

Ianto folds his arms and says coolly, ‘I didn’t do anything, I was just following your lead.’

‘No, no, not that – the accent!’

‘Just thought it made sense for my character,’ Ianto shrugs. ‘And it’s easier to sound overtly happy with that hint of Valleys in there.’

‘You could’ve warned me!’

‘That would’ve been much less fun.’

Jack growls and Ianto is now extra pleased with his decision.

Besides,’ he continues, ‘spur of the moment decision. Method acting and all that.’

‘Well, you’re the one who’s stuck with it now.’

‘I’ll manage,’ he puts the accent back on again for a moment, ‘It’s easy. And it’ll help me compartmentalise things anyway, keep some things as Ifan and the rest as Ianto.’

Jack releases a breath and leans back against the door. Down the hallway, Ianto can see the others pottering about in the kitchen, chatting away as if this is all standard procedure. He appreciates that none of them have made a big fuss about this, or poked too much fun just yet. There was a time when that definitely wouldn’t have been the case. But then again, back then, jack would never have suggested they work such a case together. Things were changing, and Ianto wasn’t sure what they were changing into. He’d made an agreement with himself not to question things between he and Jack too much, to just have fun and see what happened. It was just easier that way.

‘Any more boxes to bring in?’ Jack asks.

‘Nope, we’ve got everything in now. Just got to unpack it all. And I do kind of want to do that myself, rather than have that lot going through all my things with their nosey mitts.’

‘I’ll let Tosh finish setting up any of the tech support she thinks we’ll need and send them home for the day. And then…’

Jack is suddenly smiling, looking Ianto up and down. Ianto quirks an eyebrow, knowing what’s coming.

‘And then?’ Ianto says politely, innocently.

‘And then we’ll have the place to ourselves. What do you think Ken and Ifan would do?’

‘There’s quite a list.’

Jack glances down towards the kitchen, checking to see that the others are distracted. He leans in to Ianto, his breath warm against Ianto’s neck. His lips brush just past that particularly sensitive part of Ianto’s neck, just under his ear, and whispers,

‘Which room should we christen first?’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so when I set out to write this fic, I decided I was going to lean into the comedic style set out by Moran in Serenity, with the little bickery moments and the teasing. It really felt like I wasn't in charge here though, the characters just kind of took that idea and went and made their own mischief in this chapter, so I hope you enjoyed!


	3. Life at the Plaza

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack and Ianto spend some time together in their new home and try to figure out their next steps.

They fall into an easy routine. Some of it’s for show, when they know the neighbours or watching or could be listening, and some of it just comes with the rhythms of living together.

In the week, Jack heads out to the Hub at around 8:30, and is usually home just before 6. He rarely breaks this schedule, unless it’s Rift-related, and in those instances he shows up with shopping bags or in gym clothes to make it look like he’s just been out doing something normal and not alien hunting. Ianto actually does sign up for the on-site gym because he finds himself with plenty of time to kill and he figures it’ll be a good place to listen out for any rumours of strange goings-on in the area.

Ianto also gets stuck into gardening and cooking. He’d never thought of himself as much of a cook before but it turns out he can rustle up some pretty tasty dishes when he actually has time to peruse the cookbooks he’d be optimistically stockpiling for years and spend time working through a recipe. Usually he eats takeaway or basic pasta and sauce from a jar, whatever’s easiest after a long day. Now, as the hours on the estate creep slowly by, he finds himself pondering if he could make his own pasta.

Although he isn’t a huge fan of their company, Ianto – or rather, Ifan - manages to start a weekly coffee morning going amongst his other stay-at-home neighbours. It’s an excuse to listen out for the latest gossip, though it’s never more tantalising than stories about how so-and-so’s cakes at last week’s barbecue were so bland. In the moments where he can excuse himself away from the group, he uses the chance to start implementing his back-up plan. He hadn’t read those 800 pages of blueprints for nothing and it makes Ianto feel as if he is contributing something when the mission seems to otherwise be going nowhere.

The scanners all show that the Cell 114 signal is still broadcasting from somewhere in Serenity Plaza. Despite many a night snooping, and a few other chances to sneak around people’s houses, Jack and Ianto haven’t managed to turn up anything in their three weeks there and none of their neighbours seem out of the ordinary. The most unusual thing about them all, Ianto thinks, is just how ordinary they seem and that’s enough to set him on edge but not enough to act on and get the case wrapped up.

Stories from life back in the Hub are thin on the ground too. Jack says all the latest disturbances have been perfectly manageable and that the biggest pain in his ass right now is Gwen complaining about the lack of Ianto’s coffee. As they’re not all that involved in Jack and Ianto’s Serenity Plaza case, the team are keeping busy with their own projects.

They’re now entering into their fourth week on the estate. It’s coming on for six in the evening and Ianto is at the hob, stirring a bubbling pot. He hears Jack’s car pulling up on the driveway, gravel crunching. He places a glass lid on the pot, wipes his hand on a nearby tea towel and prepares to get into character for the daily ‘Honey, I’m home’ show.

‘Evening, Bob,’ he hears Jack on the other side of the front door.

Footsteps up the garden path. A key in the door, it opens, and there he is.

‘You’re a sight for sore eyes,’ Ianto says, beaming through Ifan’s broad Welsh accent. This ritual has become their little joke.

‘Come here you,’ Jack returns, then leans forward to kiss Ianto with an exaggerated ‘mwah’. This ritual has become their little joke. A part of Ianto thinks they might keep it up once this is all over, just to amuse themselves and confuse the others.

Jack steps in and shuts the door behind him.

‘Not many of them out today, Bob was just heading in,’ he says.

‘I think he waits out there for you, just to make some sort of snitty comment,’ Ianto says. ‘He gets home earlier than you do, and yet he’s somehow always out when you get home.’

‘He’s working on that damn lawn,’ Jack says. He drops the briefcase he carries for show purposes and nudges it under the stairs. ‘Nice to see you’re getting your reconnaissance work done though, keeping an eye on all of their comings and goings.’

‘Yes, it’s fascinating work.’

Jack starts making his way up the stairs.

‘I’m gonna take a shower,’ he says. Ianto finds himself following him, desperate to hear news of the outside world.

Jack drops down on the edge of their bed and starts to take his shoes off. Ianto stops in the doorway and bites his tongue rather than tell Jack that they’d agreed shoes should always come off at the front door. He doesn’t want to be _that_ guy. Jack catches Ianto’s eye as he unbuttons his shirt.

‘You planning on joining me or something?’ he says coyly.

Ianto’s eyes flicker down to Jack’s chest.

‘Might do,’ he says. ‘I was just wondering whether anything interesting had happened today, or if you need me to pop by the Hub for anything, or -,’

Jack laughs and leans back on the bed, shirt fully open.

‘Bored, are you?’

‘Preparing tarte tatin is somewhat less thrilling than chasing weevils.’

This update clearly excites Jack. ‘You made tarte tatin?’

‘Yes, it’s just cooling. But you can’t have any now, you’ll spoil your dinner.’

Jack smiles at him fondly before getting to his feet to shuck his shirt off.

‘Jack!’ Ianto says, grabbing at the shirt that Jack has just dropped onto the bed.

‘I’m going to put it in the washing bin, give me a seco-,’

‘No, it’s not that,’ Ianto says quickly, coming to the realisation that, ok, maybe he is already a little bit that guy, but if he is, it’s only because that’s the way his mother brought him up and there’s nothing he can do about it now. ‘Is this blood?’

He holds the shirt out to Jack, showing what’s clearly a blood stain on the back to the other man.

‘That? Oh, that’s nothing, just a little scrape with a hoix.’

Ianto knows there’s no such thing as a little scrape with a hoix. They’re vicious, full of teeth, and know how to throw themselves around.

‘Did you die today?’ Ianto asks.

Jack reaches over to close their blinds before he admits the truth. Late evening sunlight streams through the cracks, casts their shadows long against the wall.

‘Yes. But it was fine, you know me.’

Ianto pulls Jack into a hug, holding him close for a moment.

‘You know I don’t like it when you do that when I’m not around,’ he murmurs into Jack’s neck before loosening his hold.

Jack plants a kiss on Ianto’s forehead.

‘Unfortunately, I don’t get much of a say in the matter,’ he says. ‘And I was going to tell you, honestly, over dinner-,’

‘Some company you are, Jack. I make us a delicious homemade beef bourguignon and tarte tatin, and your dinner conversation is “Hey, Ianto, I died today”.’

Jack shoves Ianto away playfully. He knows he’s only teasing.

‘Is everybody else alright?’ Ianto asks.

‘They’re all fine, that hoix is the liveliest thing we’ve had in weeks. All under control now.’

‘How did it… get you?’

‘I thought it went one way, turns out it went the other. Next thing I know, big claws and teeth in my back.’

Jack is down to his boxers now, checking himself over in the full length mirror. He twists awkwardly, trying to get a decent view of his back.

‘Looks like it’s all healed up nicely now,’ he says.

Ianto flops down onto the bed on his back, running his hands over his face. Despite feeling like he’s been doing nothing all day, he’s tired.

‘I feel so useless here, Jack. I’ve not managed to turn up anything useful, and if I was in the Hub, or out with you in the field, I could be much more useful. Me and you, we make a good team, if I was there today might have gone differently for you.’

‘But it doesn’t matter, Ianto, I’ll always come back, you know that.’

‘Nice if it could be avoided though.’

Jack flops down beside him on his front, resting his chin on his palm. He throws his over arm across Ianto’s chest.

‘I know,’ he says sincerely. ‘I’d like that too. And you know what I _really_ like? That you care so much. I’ve not met many people who do.’

‘I’m not saying I don’t think I could pull the trigger if I needed to tell you apart from a shapeshifting alien,’ Ianto says, ‘but I would feel really bad about it if it turned out I was wrong.’

‘But hey, you’d be there waiting for me when I woke up if you did make that mistake.’

Ianto nods, then sighs. ‘Are you _sure_ there’s nothing more useful I could be doing back at the Hub?’

Jack pats Ianto’s chest. ‘If there was, I’d have you down there asap. You’re where you need to be right now, working what will turn out to be a very big case once we get to the bottom of it.’

‘I’d like to go digging in the archives a bit, see if there’s not a bit of tech I could use to help us out here.’

‘Maybe we can go on Sunday, after the barbecue. Who’s hosting it this week?’

‘Karen and Bill from number twenty-four.’

‘Have I met them?’

‘Yes. She’s the red-head who flirted with you terribly at the Neighbourhood Watch meeting.’

‘Ohhh, _that_ Karen.’

‘Yes, _that_ Karen.’

‘Ianto, you’re not getting jealous on me now, are you?’

Ianto sits up. Turning to face Jack, he decides he wants to wipe the smug look off the other man’s face.

‘Jealous, me? You’re the one should be jealous, I could have started having at least three affairs with some of the sex-crazed ladies on this estate by now, not to mention that personal trainer guy at the gym.’

Ianto’s plan seems to work for a moment as Jack’s smile drops, but then it returns even broader.

‘See, I knew you’d be able to walk in here and charm them all.’

He sits up next to Ianto and presses a sloppy kiss to his lips. Then, he stands, removing his boxers as he does so. He nods in the direction of the en-suite.

‘You joining me or not?’

Ianto gazes over him, standing there in all his unabashed glory. He checks his watch.

‘Hang on, let me just turn the bourguignon down to a simmer first.’

When they do eventually sit down to dinner, Jack wolfs through his first plate in no time at all, helping himself to seconds before Ianto has even made it halfway through his own helping. He’s been used to Jack’s eating habits for a while now though, so can anticipate the coming question.

‘This is delicious,’ Jack says through a mouthful, swallowing before he’s barely chewed. ‘Is there enough for -,’

‘Yes, even at the rate you’re eating, there should be leftovers for lunch tomorrow,’ Ianto tells him. ‘Lucky I’ve always got Tupperware to hand.’

Jack smiles. ‘I can’t tell you how jealous the others have been the last few weeks when they’ve seen the food I’ve had with me. Gwen has told Rhys he needs to raise his game.’

Ianto pauses, fork halfway to his mouth.

‘Oh god,’ he says as he sets it back down on his plate. ‘I’m _Rhys_.’

Jack laughs and helps himself to one of the bread rolls Ianto has put out on the table. He rips it in half before using it to mop up the sauce on his plate.

‘What’s wrong with that?’

‘It’s not so much about Rhys himself. He’s a good bloke. It’s about what he represents, that clueless civilian who’ll buy any story we churn out about gas leaks and hallucinogens in the water… I used to be the man on the inside. I used to know _everything_ ,’ Ianto finishes glumly, now pushing his dinner around with his fork.

Jack reaches over the table and takes Ianto’s hand. Rubs his thumb across Ianto’s fingers gently.

‘Ianto, I can guarantee that you still no more than the others about the inner workings of Torchwood. With the added bonus that you now also know how to cook – this is a real step up from that drawer of takeaway menus in your flat.’

Ianto squeezes Jack’s hand then takes it back so he can return to eating.

‘That’s something,’ he says. ‘I’ve been thinking, we could use their help a little bit though, I’m not sure I’ve got some of Tosh’s tech running as well as she could do it. We could invite them over, do it under the guise of a dinner party.’

Jack raises an eyebrow. ‘Dinner party?’

‘Yeah, Cheryl down the road has them all the time, she invited us to one the other day but I came up with an excuse to get us out of it.’

‘Could have been a chance to get some intel.’

Ianto shakes his head. ‘I’ve scoped her place out already, she did coffee morning last week. Nothing going on there. She’s just one of _those_.’

‘One of those?’

‘You know the type, older lady, wants to make friends with the local gay couple so she can seem ever so _modern_ to her brunch pals.’

‘If she thinks two guys being married is modern, wait til-,’

‘Hey! _Spoilers_.’ 

‘Ah, you’re probably right… Now, I believe you’ve got something sweet for me in the kitchen?’

Ianto rolls his eyes and picks up Jack’s empty plate. He takes them into the kitchen and sets them by the sink, hoping he can persuade Jack that it’s his turn to do the dishes later. He cuts two slices of tarte tatin and sets them on dessert plates before returning to the dining room.

‘You’re only having one slice,’ he tells Jack firmly. ‘You can take the rest in for the others tomorrow. I can’t have it sat around here, I’m getting fat.’

‘Ianto, you’re definitely not getting fat, you go the gym every day,’ Jack says as he cuts his fork through the dessert.

‘I do that so I don’t get lazy. I don’t want shit to go down here, or go back to work and be chasing Weevils, and find I’ve been slowed down by all this sitting around watching _Murder She Wrote_.’

‘Makes sense. And, can I just say, I’m liking the results.’

‘Come off it, Jack. I’ve been going for three weeks, it’s made no difference, just staved off the belly I’d be growing otherwise.’

‘No, I know you, I see your body every day, and it’s looking firmer.’

‘Jack, if this is your idea of how to compliment someone then-,’

‘Have you been hitting the weights?’

‘A little bit. Just thought I’d give it a go, something different to the usual cardio.’

‘Yep, see, I can definitely tell. No wonder that personal trainer guy is hitting on you.’

‘Jaaaack.’

‘What, I can’t express my appreciation?’

‘I prefer it when you do that with actions, not words.’

‘You, Mr Jones, just don’t know how to take a compliment.’

With that, Jack crams a huge final piece of pudding into his mouth. Ianto shakes his head disbelievingly.

After he swallows, Jack gets back to business.

‘I think you’re right though, about getting the others around and involved a bit, just to double-check in case we’ve missed anything. Anybody asks, we’re having a dinner party, seems like something Ken and Ifan would do to thank the friends who helped them move house. And hey, maybe after some wine, we can convince everybody to play Twister.’


	4. The Dinner Party

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for the delay on this one! I started writing this while waiting for a new job to start, then it started and life was busy, but now... I hope this is as fun for you all to read as it was for me to write, I have totally just run with whatever madness the characters felt like. Sorry if the Waitrose jokes are only funny to the British!

‘Nope, no, no, no, this is too weird,’ Owen hasn’t even made it through the front door before the protest is on his lips.

Jack, pretending to laugh in jocular Ken-mode, slaps a hand on Owen’s shoulder and attempts to drag him through the door without making it look forceful. He shuts the door quickly behind them both.

‘You know we're being watched, right?’ Jack hisses at Owen.

‘You’ve found the aliens then?’

‘What? No, the neighbours are watching!’ Jack stands furtively at the peep hole. Owen’s eyes bug out of his head.

‘Jack Harkness, worried about the neighbours. Let me have a go at that peep hole and see if any pigs are flying out there.’

‘I’ll welcome our guests properly then, shall I?’ Ianto says, stepping out of the kitchen. He’s wearing a striped apron, a glass bowl in the crook of his elbow as he whisks at  
something pink and creamy.

‘Just fluffing up the salmon mousse for the vol-au-vents,’ he adds by way of explanation.

‘Nope, weird,’ says Owen again.

Behind the commotion, Gwen nudges Rhys in the ribs.

‘See, I told you you need to step up your game,’ she mutters to him. Rhys grumbles.

Louder now, Gwen adds, ‘And, Ianto, I hear you’ve been going to the gym? You can tell.’

Ianto blinks and mumbles about there being nothing else to do.

‘I suppose that comment is aimed at me too, eh?’ Rhys remarks as he shrugs his coat off and hands it to Jack, who has realised Ianto’s aggressive head jerks in his direction were a reminder of this commonplace gesture when bringing people into your home.

‘I don’t know what you’re talking about,’ Gwen says lightly, pressing a kiss to Rhys’s cheek.

‘You need any help in the kitchen there, Ianto?’ Rhys asks.

‘If you wouldn’t mind actually, that’d be great. You can help me with the gravy while I pipe these.’

Rhys escapes to the kitchen with Ianto, leaving the others crowded in the hallway.

Owen points to the bottle of wine Tosh holds.

‘I think we could all do with some of that,’ he says.

Ianto feels slightly more ridiculous with each course he brings out and the appreciative noises everyone makes don’t help. He hadn’t set out to throw an elaborate soiree, he had just found himself going a bit overboard given he finally had a project to get on with again. After all, this was important work as the dinner party was all a cover to get Tosh’s tech support in. He had to get the finer details right for when Mary and Karen asked him about it at coffee morning the next day.

‘I realise we should maybe have done this before sinking two and a bit bottles of wine, but Tosh, can you take a look at our set up in the spare room please? Make sure everything’s running as it should be?’

Tosh, who had done her fair share in clearing off one of the bottles of wine and was slightly flush in the face, nodded and got to her feet.

‘Aw, you’re going to make us wait for dessert?’ Jack moans.

‘You’ve become far too used to having pudding with every dinner. You know that’s not normal, right?’ Ianto tells him.

Jack grins conspiratorially round at everyone at the table. ‘It’s rhubarb and apple crumble, I helped buy the ingredients.’

And hadn’t that been an adventure, Ianto thinks to himself as he leads Tosh through the hallway and up the stairs. Yes, he had been in a supermarket with Jack before, but only ever on a quick supply run. This trip, with a full-sized trolley and a list nearly as long as Ianto’s forearm, had been very different.

‘Look, Ianto, have you seen this?’ Jack had said upon entering the supermarket. ‘If you have a Waitrose card you can have a free tea or coffee from the machine.’

‘We have much better coffee, made by me, at home,’ Ianto had told him.

‘But do you have a Waitrose card?’

Ianto was now, in fact, the proud owner of a Waitrose card bearing the name Ifan Jones. It was where everyone in their posh neighbourhood shopped, so it had become his go to. And taking Jack there was a mistake. He kept picking things bearing the ‘Waitrose Essentials’ label up off the shelves and exclaiming things like, ‘Quail’s eggs? Why are these essential?’

The fifth time Jack had done this and questioned Ianto as to why Thai Basil, of all things, was considered essential, Ianto had nearly slipped up.

‘Because it makes people feel fancy! God, Ja – Ken, can we just get this done in peace?’

Jack had returned the bag of basil to the rack and stepped back, hands up, palms flat, as if placating a lion.

‘You know,’ he said quietly, for Ianto’s ears only, ‘we didn’t have to actually have a dinner party, we could have just said we were to the neighbours.’

‘And we didn’t have to pretend to be married and shack up with each other,’ Ianto retorted at the same volume, scanning his list for all the herbs he’d need.

He was surprised when Jack didn’t come back at him with a snarky comment. He looked up from his list to find Jack watching him closely.

‘We don’t have to keep doing this if it’s not working for you,’ he said.

Ianto’s mind had raced at this. He didn’t want to quit, he wanted to do a good, thorough job, and he wanted this strange time together with Jack… but he also missed their real world and what they were like together at Torchwood.

In the end, he had reached out a hand and taken one of Jack’s.

‘It’s working. We’re working. And Tosh will help us get closer to the answers tonight. Can I please just have some quiet so we can get out of here?’

Jack squeezed his hand and mimed zipping his lips with the other.

‘Thank you. Now quick, I think I saw Vanessa heading out of the café so let’s move before she catches us.’

Tosh makes a few tweaks to their set up in the spare room but concludes there isn’t much more she can do, they’d got everything up and running as they should.

‘I’m not sure this is going to be the way you find the answer, Ianto, the signal broadly covers this area and I’ve tried a few different ways now to narrow it down. No luck. I think it’s going to come down to the work you and Jack are doing here on the ground.’

‘I was afraid you’d say that,’ Ianto sighs.

‘No luck there either?’

‘Nothing clean-cut. We still have a few houses we need to find a way to get into and sneak around without rousing any suspicion. Might get a chance at next weekend’s barbecue.’

‘There you go then,’ Tosh says cheerfully, ‘still options to try.’

‘And what if we don’t find anything?’

Tosh shrugs. ‘We’ll figure that out if it comes to it. This is the plan for now.’

‘Yeah. Yeah, you’re right, Tosh. Thanks.’

‘No problem,’ she says, then smiles. ‘I hear there’s crumble downstairs..?’

‘Alright, come on then, you all have such a terrible sweet tooth.’

Ianto steps out of the spare room and holds the door for Tosh. As he does so, he notices that Jack has left the bedroom door open, leaving a clear view of the shirts and trousers he has left strewn over the floor. Ianto reaches over hastily to shut it.

‘Sorry, Jack’s, uh, very messy.’

He’s not sure why he’s so embarrassed. It certainly doesn’t seem to have bothered Tosh.

‘You’d think the military would train that out of someone,’ she says.

‘Jack’s never been good with authority and people telling him what to do.’

‘True.’

Tosh seems to notice the way Ianto nervously twists the cheap silver band on his ring finger.

‘How are you finding all this, Ianto?’

Ianto lets out a breath he hadn’t realised he was holding.

‘Strange. Stressful. Boring. Also… kind of fun? We don’t get interrupted by the rift alarm as much so that can be much more… satisfying.’

‘I dare say,’ Tosh says with a glint in her eye. ‘But, what’s it like?’

Ianto knows that, just like the others, Tosh is forever fascinated by Jack and the tidbits he drops about himself and his long life. She’s much more covert in her approach than Gwen and Owen; Ianto suspects that much like himself, Tosh stores anything he mentions away in the back of her mind to puzzle together at another time. She would only directly ask Jack for more information on something if it played a part in their work.

Asking Ianto, however, is another matter. Ianto is very aware of the position he holds, both in the team and in relation to Jack. It was this, above everything else, that had made him the most anxious about working on this case and the approach Jack had suggested. He knows more about Jack than any of them do. But, it’s not just facts and histories, what he’s done and where he’s been. That doesn’t often come up and, to Ianto, it doesn’t really matter. The things he does know are about Jack as a person, the nuances and details of who he is. He knows Jack is messy, impatient, loud, brash, smarter than people give him credit for but equally that he can be stupid and reckless when challenged. He knows Jack likes his coffee black as tar, that he has terrible time management, that he relies on Ianto to know where the car keys are, and that he only snores when he sleeps on his front – and he only does that when he’s flat-out completely, can’t-move tired.

Maybe one day he’ll be more upfront with Jack and call him out when he’s avoiding a subject or keeping something from them all. For now though, he’s content with the way things are between them.

‘I imagine it’s much like living with anybody else, Tosh,’ Ianto says. ‘You agree to do it because it seems like a good idea and the sex is great, but then you find out that they think bowls go in the bottom layer of the dishwasher when clearly they belong at the top.’

Tosh laughs and starts back downstairs, Ianto pleased that he can be just as evasive as Jack when asked a question he doesn’t want to answer honestly.

The rhubarb and apple crumble has barely gone down before Jack gets up from the table and starts rummaging through a cupboard in the living room.

‘What are you looking for, Jack?’ Gwen calls across the room to him.

‘A little something I had to go on eBay for. We might need to go in the garden for it though, we’ll need lots of room!’

Ianto groans. ‘Oh no.’

‘What? What is it?’ Gwen asks him, suddenly nervous.

‘I didn’t think he’d actually do it, he mentioned it before, but I thought he was joking. Of course he meant it.’

‘Ianto, you’re scaring me, mate,’ Owen says.

‘You absolutely should be scared, Owen,’ Ianto says.

‘Why, what is it?’ Tosh asks.

‘It’s-,’ Ianto starts.

‘Twister!’ Jack announces as he strides back over to the table, showcasing the battered box for all to see.

‘That looks almost as old as you are,’ Owen says.

‘For that, Owen, you get to go first. Come on, let’s go outside. Ianto, where are the backdoor keys?’

Mercifully, they are saved by the shrill cry of the rift alarm from within Tosh’s handbag.

‘Thank God,’ Owen and Ianto both mutter.

Tosh fishes the rift alarm out of her bag. She silences it and checks the reading.

‘Something big over in Roath Park, might need all hands on deck,’ she says.

Ianto knows that, for now, all hands on deck doesn’t include him. Jack can recover from any mysterious injuries he might get while out and about, but the neighbours will definitely question Ianto if he’s suddenly walking around with fresh stitches.

They stand collectively, pushing their chairs back, Gwen apologising that they can’t stay and help Ianto with the washing up. He waves her aside and says that the washing up is definitely Jack’s job tomorrow. They grab their coats and tumble out the door to Rhys’s, the designated driver, Vauxhall.

Ianto isn’t prepared for the hasty kiss Jack presses to his lips before he dashes off after the others with a ‘See you later’. He’s not sure whether it was Jack kissing Ianto or Ken kissing Ifan for the neighbours to see – he can see some of them peering out from behind their curtains.

Bob next door actually opens the door as they speed away.

‘Everything alright, Ifan? They looked like they were in a rush,’ he says

‘Nothing to worry about, Bob, just a little department store emergency. The sales start tomorrow and apparently there are some crazed shopaholics trying to break in to start shopping early.’

With that, he closes the door on Bob and one of the more ordinary but also more strange nights he’s had with Torchwood.


	5. Unexpected visitors

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things go bump in the night - Ken and Ifan are on the case.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dialogue heavy, not so touchy-feely - that'll all come next! Just a fun plot bunny of a chapter.

‘Jaaaack.’

It’s the middle of the night and Ianto has been rudely awoken by Jack, who is now ignoring his plaintive groans.

‘Jack,’ he tries again. ‘If you’re doing your whole “I’m immortal and don’t really need to sleep” thing, can you go and do it somewhere else?’

Still no response.

Ianto lifts his head up off the pillow to see what Jack is doing and is momentarily blinded as Jack opens the slats of the blinds and a burst of streetlight suddenly slips through into the darkness of the bedroom.

‘What are you looking at?’ Ianto asks.

Jack fiddles so more with the blinds and puts his face closer to them to peer through.

‘I heard some strange noises,’ Jack says, voice low. ‘I think someone’s burgling number 55.’

‘What?’ Ianto says, pulling himself out of bed and heading over to meet Jack at the window.

‘Look,’ Jack says, making space for Ianto to see where he’s looking. ‘I couldn’t see properly at first because they were around the side of the car, but there’s someone there.’

Ianto lent closer to the glass, not that it helped much. He also didn’t want to get so close that he’d press his nose into the window and leave a smudge.

‘You’re right. I think… I think they’re taking parts off the car? Which I believe technically makes it a robbery, not a burglary as they haven’t entered the property.’

Ianto felt Jack’s scowl on him before he turned to see it.

‘I’m not worried about defining what he’s doing, I just think we should stop him. Come on.’

Jack turns to make his way to the door, but Ianto grabs his arm.

‘Wait, wait, wait! You can’t storm in there all Captain Jack Swishy-coat!’

‘Ianto, he’s stealing from them!’

‘I’m not saying we can’t help, we just have to do it like Ken and Ifan with.’

‘Oh great, we get to be bumbling neighbours.’

‘That’s what you signed us up for.’

Jack huffs. ‘Fine. Let’s just go – we’ll disturb him, not try and catch him.’

‘Maybe put some clothes on first or you might really disturb him.’

Jack huffs again and unhooks a dressing gown from the back of the bedroom door.

‘Keep that up and I won’t be _disturbing_ you any time soon,’ he says as he walks out.

Ianto grabs his own dressing gown and follows Jack out, knowing his threat is an empty one.

In the semi-darkness downstairs, Jack is muttering to himself about the front door keys. Ianto refrains from pointing out that the keys are where they always are. Instead, he just picks them up out of the bowl on the sideboard and hands them to Jack.

Jack turns the key in the lock but just before he turns the handle, he says,

‘Hang on. I just need to figure out how exactly Ken would approach this.’

‘Right.’

‘With swagger or like an idiot?’

‘I believe he lacks your enviable charm, sir.’

Jack quirks an eyebrow. ‘Sir’ is code for Ianto being in work mode, but not so far into work mode that he isn’t willing to tease Jack.

Jack pulls down on the handle.

‘I think… I’ll improvise.’

Before Ianto can comment, Jack is out the door and marching over the road, bellowing at the car thief.

‘What do you think you’re doing, that isn’t yours!’

Oh, thinks Ianto, he’s chosen the path of the righteous.

‘Stop, stop that now. Ifan – Ifan! – call the police.’

And also the path of getting the most people awake and at their windows.

Pulling himself into character, Ianto grabs his phone, then hesitates for a moment – is he actually going to call the police?

At the sight of the spooked thief making a break for it and Jack hurdling the garden wall, Ianto decides he has no choice. He does choose 101, the number for lesser emergencies though. The thief hasn’t actually managed to get anything off the neighbour’s Mercedes and the garage will sort out any damage.

‘Hello, Police, how can I help?’

Ianto fills them in on the situation as Jack runs off down the road after the thief. He knows Jack’s doing it for show as he’s not running at full pace. His dressing gown flaps at his ankles much like his military coat.

It must be a quiet night at the local station as the operator says they’ll send someone round to talk to them shortly and see if the thief can be picked up still in the local area. Ianto isn’t pleased to hear this as he knows he’ll now have to stay awake to speak to PC Plod when he’d much rather go back to sleep.

Jack is now over the road speaking to the couple at number 55 – Susan and Paddy, a young Irish couple with a toddler who liked to sit in the garden and scream while Ianto was trying to perfect his lawn.

Bob and Mary appeared at the garden wall.

‘What’s going on, Ifan?’ Mary asked.

‘Well, Mary,’ Ianto says, dialling his accent up. ‘We were asleep, y’know, but then Ken heard some funny noises over the way. He had a look out the window and it looked like someone was trying to take Paddy’s car!’

Mary gasps, as Ianto knew she would.

‘I know,’ he says emphatically. ‘So, Ken says to me, he says “Ifan, we need to do something”. Next thing I know, he’s out here chasing the bloke.’

‘So brave,’ Mary says.

‘Isn’t he?’ Ianto says, chucking in a simpering smile. ‘That’s my man, _so brave_.’

‘Did you get hold of the police?’ Bob asks.

‘I did, yeah. They’re on their way over, they’ll chat to anyone who saw anything, I expect.’

Jack reappears. As he makes his way up the garden path, Bob and Mary applaud him. Jack waves this away, smiling.

‘Nothing you wouldn’t have done if you’d seen him first, eh, Bob?’

Mary laughs. ‘Not sure he’d get over the garden wall quite like that!’

Bob bristles. ‘I could if I needed to. Come on, it’s getting cold out. We’ll leave these two to speak to the police and get back to bed.’

They wave and return to their home.

‘You didn’t actually call the police, did you?’ Jack asks as they head inside themselves.

‘Um… yes.’

‘Ianto! I thought maybe you’d just call Gwen and she could come over and do her police act.’

‘A few minutes ago you actually wanted to catch the guy!’

‘He was just some dumb kid, I reckon I scared him off for now.’

‘Well, sorry, but the rozzers are coming now.’

‘You know a lot of the police in this city know who we are, right? Even if they don’t know what we do?’

‘I’ll get the retcon ready with the coffee,’ Ianto sighs.

When the policeman does show up at their door thirty minutes later, there are surprised looks all round.

‘Captain Harkness?’ PC Andy says, slightly wide-eyed. ‘And – Ianto, right?’

Jack and Ianto glance between each other, attempting to silently communicate a plan as to how to deal with this unexpected situation.

Andy flips through the notebook in his hand and scrutinises his notes.

‘The couple over the road told me I’d be speaking to Ken and Ifan Jones. Am I at the wrong house?’

‘No, no. Why don’t you come in, Andy?’

Jack and Ianto step back to allow Andy in. Jack leads the way to the living room.

‘Ianto made coffee, would you like some?’ Jack offers.

Still suspicious, Andy agrees to a cup of coffee and takes a seat on the sofa. Jack takes the armchair opposite.

‘Retcon?’ Ianto mouths at Jack over Andy’s head.

Jack furrows his brow so Ianto mouths again, really emphasising the syllables. Jack gives a minute shake of the head.

‘Before we get into it then,’ Andy says, ‘can I just ask, what are the fake names about? Aliases?’

‘Something like that,’ Jack replies. He finds those three words to be very handy in his line of work, they let the questioner follow their own line of thinking and make their own conclusions.

‘And, sorry, just trying to get this all straight in my head – you two are together. Like, _together_ together?’

‘Something like that,’ Jack says again.

‘And you live up in this posh place? Gwen did say Torchwood pays well.’

‘Did she?’

‘Doesn’t seem very Torchwood living out in the suburbs. If you don’t mind my saying.’

‘Ianto and I are just… trying something out. We might not stay here.’

Ianto returns from the kitchen and hands Andy a mug of hot coffee. He has retcon ready in his pocket if needed.

‘Thanks,’ Andy says to Ianto, then turns back to Jack. ‘I’d have thought you two could have taken this thief down yourselves?’ 

Jack shrugs. ‘We try to blend in.’

‘Fair enough, you’d be doing me a favour mind, these petty theft investigations never go anywhere... Shall we get down to the incident then? Can you tell me what you saw?’

Jack relays the events of the evening to Andy, who takes steady notes. Ianto perches on the arm of the sofa and toys with the retcon on his pocket. He also notices that Andy is letting his lovingly brewed coffee go cold.

It doesn’t take long. Jack gives a description of who he saw and tells Andy that he’s giving this statement as Ken Jones, not as Jack Harkness.

As they wrap up, Andy asks if he could possibly trouble them to use their loo. Ianto tells him he can use the under the stairs bathroom.

With Andy gone, Ianto turns to Jack.

‘Am I retconning him or not?’

‘I think we’ve got away with it.’

‘But he thinks we live here! Together!’

‘That’s true right now.’

‘He might tell people.’

‘I’ll tell him not to. I’ll tell him as Captain Jack Harkness that by no means can he share we’re here, he has to use our aliases.’

Ianto doesn’t love this answer but feels he can trust Andy. He also starts to plot what he might be able to do if he ever hears that word of this has got out amongst the police force.

There’s a sudden crash from upstairs.

‘Oh my God,’ Andy’s voice comes faintly from upstairs. ‘What have you guys got up here?’

Jack and Ianto dash out into the hallway.

‘I said use the under the stairs bathroom,’ Ianto calls up at Andy.

‘I thought you said up the stairs bathroom!’

‘Who calls it that?!’

They can see Andy now, stood in front of their investigation room, computers whirring away and several large alien weapons on show. He turns to them.

‘I got the wrong door.’

‘We can see that. The bathroom is on the left. Please close that door,’ Jack says firmly and Andy does so, aware he’s found something he shouldn’t have.

‘Go ahead and use that bathroom,’ Jack continues, ‘and Ianto will make you up a hot, fresh coffee to take out on the road with you.’

Andy seems a bit nervous now. ‘Oh, uh, great. Thanks.’

After Andy finds his way into the correct room, Ianto says to Jack,

‘Retcon now?’

‘Get it in his coffee, stat.’

Ianto gives a curt nod and returns to his post at the coffee machine. Jack gets his mobile out and dials Gwen as he walks to the quiet of the living room.

‘’lo?’ Gwen answers groggily.

‘Ah, Gwen, sorry to wake you. Quick question, I’ll explain later. We’re going to have to retcon your pal PC Andy. Can you tell me his address so we can get him home safe?’


	6. Just Jack and Ianto

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A quiet moment between Jack and Ianto after their work at Serenity Plaza is finished.

The clean-up and seeding of cover stories takes just over thirty hours. Thirty-one hours after blowing Serenity Plaza up, Jack and Ianto find themselves somewhere much more familiar.

‘Y’know after all that time on the king-size mattress, your camp bed doesn’t exactly compare,’ Ianto complains. He shuffles about trying to get comfortable, elbowing Jack in the stomach as he does so. Jack lets out an oof as the errant limb jabs his bladder. ‘Sorry.’

‘I’m sure we used to manage this just fine,’ Jack says, wriggling around himself, trying to remember how they’d made this work before. A part of him his surprised Ianto isn’t fed up of his company and desperate to retreat to his own flat for some peace, but then he remembers that Ianto had managed to destroy almost all of his own furniture in the Serenity Plaza blast. Another part of him, that would never admit it, is pleased that they aren’t bored of each other yet and that Ianto would choose to be here even if he had his own bed.

‘This bed was not made for one person over six foot tall, let alone two,’ this time as he speaks, Ianto manages to knock his knee sharply into one of Jack’s. ‘Honestly, I can’t be the only person you’ve brought down here who’s found the conditions less than ideal.’

Jack frowns. ‘I haven’t brought anyone else down here.’

Ianto stops squirming.

‘Really?’ he asks.

Jack twists onto his side so he’s making eye-contact with Ianto. Even though they’ve both showered twice, the smell of smoke still lingers in their hair.

‘Okay, number one – I live here, yes, but it _is_ actually supposed to be a secret base. I moved down here when I took charge because it was just me for a while and it was the easiest thing to do. Whenever I slept with someone, we did it at theirs, or outside, or on -,’

‘Yes, yes, you like having sex in adventurous places, I have first-hand experience of this. What’s number two?’

‘Number two follows pretty easily on from number one. This is a secret base, ergo the only people who could possibly be allowed down here have to work for Torchwood.’

‘And? I know you’ve had a few other people work here before the current team.’

‘And I didn’t sleep with any of them.’

Ianto cocks a disbelieving eyebrow. Jack shoves him lightly in the shoulder.

‘When I became the boss, I did try and set out with a “Don’t sleep with the staff” policy.’

Ianto scoffs. ‘That’s gone well.’

‘It was going just fine until you came along!’

‘I’m honoured.’

‘Hey, you came on to me.’

It wasn’t often one of them referenced their first time together in the messy aftermath of the incident at The Ferret. This had less to do with the sex itself and more to do with the fact that Ianto had sent Jack to a slave planet via an alien portal. He had then also come and saved him, so Jack had decided to call it even.

‘And you said it’d be a one-off,’ Ianto reminds him. ‘You came on to me the second time.’

Jack does an awkward one-shouldered shrug. ‘I’d already broken my policy by then, it was far more fun to keep going.’

‘Look where that’s got us.’

Jack realises at that moment that he’s still wearing the wedding band Gwen and Tosh had bought him. He pulls his arm out from under Ianto and looks at it.

‘Oh, I’ve still got mine on too,’ Ianto says, lifting his hand out from under the covers. ‘Got kind of used to it, I suppose.’

He takes it off and rolls it between his thumb and forefinger. Jack twists at his.

He’s had a few rings like this in his life now, the last one nearly forty years ago - before Ianto was even born. That marriage hadn’t been out of love, but out of a sense of duty and playing the part in the backwards era he’d found himself in when Lucia had fallen pregnant. She hadn’t wanted to marry him and she hadn’t loved him either, but it had helped them keep Alice as safe as they could.

He had married for love once, foolishly, back when he still thought the Doctor could fix him. She hadn’t known about Torchwood or aliens or about Jack’s uniqueness and Jack had loved the simplicity of that. It made what they had feel pure.

Ianto is a different prospect entirely. Jack loves all his rag-tag team with all his heart, but Ianto…

They don’t say the words. There’s an unspoken understanding there but Jack knows Ianto loves him and it scares him. Not because he doesn’t feel the same way, but because he’s seen what happens when Ianto loves someone. It consumes him, it drives him to do things that people don’t think he’s capable of, oh, but he absolutely is. A lot of people say they’ll do anything for the people they love, they’ll go to the ends of the earth and back, fight the darkest demons, lay down their own life – but, when it comes down to it, they won’t actually do any of those things.

Ianto would, without question. Ianto already has.

And that’s what terrifies Jack, that someone could love him like that. He’s terrified what Ianto might do if Jack is ever in trouble and he’s terrified of the way Ianto will follow him into danger.

He’s also scared of what he might do to keep Ianto safe. Jack knows it’s his job to make difficult decisions, to make sacrifices. If it was a question, though, of saving Ianto versus somebody else, versus maybe even hundreds of lives? Jack knows the answer to this in his heart and prays he never has to reveal the truth to the world. He’s supposed to be a leader. He’s supposed to treat his team equally and put his duty to the planet above all else.

‘I don’t think this will get much on eBay,’ Ianto comments, breaking Jack out of his reverie.

Jack feigns surprise. ‘Ifan Jones, I gave you this on our wedding day!’

Ianto groans. ‘No more pretending to be Ken, please. I’d like to be just Jack and Ianto again.’

Jack smiles and kisses the other man on the end of his nose. Ianto scrunches his face up.

‘Just Jack and Ianto. Got it.’

He holds his hand out flat, now containing his wedding ring. Ianto drops his next to it. Jack closes his fist around them, then leans over and drops them into the drawer of the bedside table.

‘Might be useful again one day,’ he says. Ianto’s eyes widen.

‘For a _mission_ ,’ Jack clarifies. ‘We made a good team, we could do it again some time.’

Ianto smiles, soft and genuine, so different to the little smirk most people see him wear.

‘I’d like that,’ he says.

‘Me too.’

Jack leans in and kisses him, on the lips this time. After a moment, he breaks away and says,

‘I know something else we can do where we make an _exceptional_ team.’

This time it is the trademark smirk that appears on Ianto’s face.

‘I’ll get my stopwatch.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Even though it's short, I have a lot of thoughts and feelings about this one! James Moran wrapped up the story pretty well in the actual audio drama, but this felt like a weird opportunity to work through some of my own thoughts on the pairing. It's been years now, but I watched the first episode of Torchwood when it first went out on BBC Three. I was a big fan for a long time and then totally forgot about it for a while after Miracle Day ruined everything. Last year, I dug the DVDs back out and watched them again, which brought back some of my old fandom thoughts, particularly around these two and Children of Earth. There've been a lot of audio dramas filling in gaps since CoE, including the actual declaration of love from Jack. A lot of people hated him for not saying it when Ianto was dying - but did these people miss the bit where Jack suddenly tried to take everything back and give the 456 whatever they wanted, just to save Ianto?! Pretty bold statement there! That's what I wanted to explore a bit here. Anyway, enough of my rambles, I hope you enjoyed this fic :)

**Author's Note:**

> So, this was definitely one of the biggest questions I had after listening to Serenity: how did they agree to approaching the investigation and understand that they could essentially live together as a couple? I think James Moran wrote their dynamic wonderfully (and hilariously), but I can only ever imagine this being a fairly serious conversation that they somehow manage to tip-toe around without properly discussing the ramifications. That said, the next few chapters definitely lean further into the comedic elements that ran through Serenity, including classic couple stuff and sassy, extra Welsh Ianto.


End file.
